ToMarto Report, 7/6/20


Gofundme page to save the Broncos from playing in the Intrust Cup


I set up a Gofundme page on Thursday Night after what some might call the worst result for the Brisbane Broncos since they entered the comp. 4 days in due, to an overwhelming amount of zero, not 1 donation, they quietly shut down the page. 59-0 to the roosters has meant I haven’t eaten any KFC for four days in protest.

Dear Darius, it might be time to hang them up.


Having bet every Saturday since I was 9, I would be very surprised if D Boyd made the lineup by mid-season. A fake State of Origin period for him to play in couldn’t come quick enough. At 40-0, I rang Neighbourhood Watch in Paddington, the Police and even Cafe 63 to try and get some of the team some employment assuming none would be playing in Round 5. I’ve gone online and bought some boots, a $169 jersey and new Step One Bamboo undies that don’t chafe (they got me in COVID), I’ve been sleeping by the Wally Lewis statue just in case I get the call up.


Uncle Toby's Muesli bar stampede of 2020

The day started like any other, a walk on the ovals reliving my junior sport telling my wife how good I used to be pretending to pass her a fake ball and potential chip and chase combo. I arrived at work with my lunch packed like Mum had put it together. Jimmy from IT screamed across the floor he was off to Coles and asked, 'Did anyone want anything?'. I said, like I was the boss, grab me some muesli bars I’ll transfer you the cash, knowing full well I wouldn’t. Jimmy arrived back with more food than a Christmas hangi. He said these were on special, a multi-pack of 15 bars of Uncle Toby's goodness. ChocChip, Forrest fruit and Strawberry Yogurt, if you can name a more functional and stunning trio, I’d be very surprised.


9.18am February 18 2020 is the date and time that Brisbane CBD saw what can only be described as the Muesli Bar Stampede of 2020. One-by-one they were consumed like I was trapped on an island, Lord of the Flies style and hadn’t eaten for 6 weeks. At no stage during the day did I feel like an iron man and totally unable to move to either touch my toes or go to the toilet. At one stage I was so high on muesli bars I couldn’t open my mouth to anyone to ask for help. People were walking past and I felt like Leonardo DiCaprio in Wolf of Wall Street. Having just come good 4 weeks later, I look forward to reviewing a snack pack of sultanas pending I fix jimmy up for the multi pack and finally learn to walk again.


Is Pete Evans the the new CEO of Rugby Australia?


I’ve just watched the advertisement for 60 Minutes and Pete Evans. It had everything, I laughed, I cried, it was the feel good ad of the year. In grade 12 at a private school, I remember hearing about the potential form of vegan cross Scientology cross rugby union strategy. The smoke has been revealed in tonight’s program. This could be the spark that the three ex-Reds vegan players needed to stay in Australia. More to come pending Ex union players children get first chop at any role at headquarters.

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