ToMarto Report 26/6/20


I wore a full Olympic swim body suit and couldn’t even finish 50m


As I took a walk down memory lane watching re-runs of the Olympics from 2008 and bored out of my brains on Jobseeker, I resorted to Olympic Swimming, aka the poor mans Badminton. I saw a challenge that made total sense. I’d time myself in the infamous suits which were later banned.


I jumped online and used the credit card like an English aristocrat and bought the highly anticipated and huge penis enlarging suit.


I looked a little like Thorpie.


When it arrived at first I thought I’d gone full mongrel and ordered a size small. In fact it was a gentleman’s extra large. Two weeks of Jobseeker later, I was able to fit myself into the suit. It’s at this point I realised I’d totally fucked up. I didn’t have a pool and COVID had ruined any good times due to the wuhan reverse Christmas special.


I walked to bring the bin in and got a cramp. The most terrifying time of my life, trying to bring in the yellow and green bin dressed in a body suit with a squashed lizard and a cramp that looked like Schapelle Corby's bodyboard bag (apparently they didn't know there was weed in her bag haha, as my Nana used to say, I'll tell the jokes). I now permanently wee to the right and swim 50m in 23.7 seconds, because I dive like someone with gout or reminiscent of a pet giraffe.


I bought a gym and I’m overweight

Having been one of the great junior footballers to have never played professionally, it still amazes me why I never bought a gym pre-COVID.


The natural progression is to go directly from a football career to either a gym or sleeve tattoo parlour. Mum I bought a Jeep, I mean, shit, sorry a GYM, I bought a franchise gym.


The profit and spreadsheets they showed me were off the charts, throw in my margin on protein balls and it’s safe to safe I’m a slum dog millionaire. My gym can now have 1 person do weights per hour and a half. There is more nutbush city limits being played here than The Beat in the late 90's.


Get excited, gyms are open, and it’s time to lube up your credit cards for the 30 dollar, two-step aka swipe and grind on my membership.


I can't feel my arms post benching this bar, it’s actually heavy, why did no one warn me?



22/6/20


Broncos to travel to Melbourne to get COVID


In what has been seen as an oracle move by the Broncos faceless men who hired embattled coach, Anthony Seibold. The Broncs are currently on a 2007 Greyhound Bus with a one-way ticket to Melbourne to contract Coronavirus.


If the Broncos go and get COVID, there is a huge chance based on forfeits and byes they might, by the luck of the Irish, make the Top 8,


More to come pending COVID testing kits arriving at Red Hill from Kogan on Monday. Watch this space.


The skip rope for heart challenge goes awful


As I walked into Rebel, I had a swagger like a history teacher on a museum tour. I did a royal wave to the 16-year old attendant John, and swiftly moved over to the footy boots section like I owned the place.


There on the wall were the boots, an array of colour and spectacular joy only seen normally at Riverfire. I took the moment to just reflect and soak in the NBS (new boot smell). There in the corner of my eye, I caught what was possibly an aerobics skipping rope, but I wasn't sure. At first I was overwhelmed with the need to use it in the store, could I be so lucky to have enough room to showcase the old one two or the famous 1987 Our Lady of the Rosery reverse shopping basket. Little did I know, I was heading for a bigger injury than Sam Burgess in the South’s grand final victory of 2014.


The light frame of a 125kg gazelle, I raised the rope above my shoulders and used my wristy Shane Warne specials to lets my levers do the work and as the rope whisked past the back of my legs like a jumbo 747, we struck trouble. The left leg lifted up with not a care in the world, however the permanent tragedy laid in the take off of the right foot. There was a moment of utter chaos, there were more untrained medical staff rushing over to me than a Balinese hangover centre.


As I lay, knocked out, trying to speak it was safe to say that the skipping rope won this challenge, congratulations to all parties involved.



16/6/20


How old really, is Cameron Smith?


Wolverine, Cam Smith. Photo credit: The Daily Telegraph


Cameron Smith was actually 6 when he started playing NRL a recent study has concluded. Following on from Melbourne's Saturday night win against the Knights, an estimated playing age of Cameron Smith being 37 has lead to a potential spike in the interest of a missing child from Logan who was on target to be the Lord Mayor. Long regarded as the crown prince of Logan, there is nothing surer that he may only be 28 and reached puberty at 6. Smith was fast tracked into the system from Norths under an unknown rule, 817a, which allows a player who looks like a Father to play NRL early.


If I protest at the Gabba can I go and watch the Brisbane Lions?

With protest season well and truely up and about surely I can protest against the price of Pies and 600ml Cokes at the Gabba. As I write this I still have the receipt from August 2019 where I was financially molested at the Gabba. I spent $15.80 for the privilege, it felt so wrong at the time however knowing the joy of the pie I was overcome with doubt. It made me double think about everything in my life. Is it cheaper to be a vegan, should I constantly wear a backpack, do I halve my Instagram followers, if I smashed a block of chocolate everyday does that cover my lactose daily limit in full. So many questions...

I wish I could just get into the Gabba so I can watch the mighty Lions. At the time of writing this, if you are budgeting for a cheeky pie and Coke, make sure you’re on the JOBKEEPER or JOBSEEKER and stay safe.


Im wearing a cricket box 24/7 and it feels so powerful

I’ve longed for the debate to be brought before the people. Should I wear my cricket box to work and sleep in it? No one truely knows when you’ll get hit in the old JATZ crackers and need the quality protected plastic box over them to give you peace of mind.

I’ve trialled wearing one for the last three weeks, I’ve never felt so free and in control of my destiny, I think this could be a new movement #wearacricketbox. Watch this space for what could be a modern day feel good story of the year