• Will Cashmore

The Set Of Six: Mediocre NRL Players – Parramatta Eels

The Parramatta Eels give me the shits.

People that follow Parramatta give me the shits. Having to constantly deal with those pesky fans who every season cry THIS IS OUR YEAR. Every group has at least one.

They’re only saving grace might be that the Yum Cha at Parra Leagues Club is very good. Although for some reason every time I eat there, the Salt and Pepper Squid takes forever to reach our table.

So for obvious reasons, Parramatta give me the shits.

Hot off the heels of another unsurprising semi-final elimination, there really is no time like the present to discuss the utter mediocrity that has worn the blue and gold in years gone by.

Believe me, I’ve not had it easy selecting this SET OF SIX.

Whilst the Roosters had slim pickings to choose from, there is an abundance of Parra poo to pick from, so don’t expect me to hold back.

This one could get nasty.

Luke Kelly (2012-2016) – 41 Games, 3 Tries, 14 Goals, 2 Field Goals

This is one I pencilled in almost immediately, I just had to hold my cards long enough to use him.

Luke Kelly was on the Melbourne list when I first started watching NRL back in the late 2000s. He was crap then, he is crap now. Well he doesn’t play anymore, but if he was he’d still be crap.

I mean you can’t be good when you only play 49 games in 9 years, for three different clubs. That’s less than 6 games per season. Not to mention, he won just 30% in his 49 appearances. Luke must have done plenty of soul searching in his career.

He was definitely forced to face the music when he was one of 12 Parramatta players, who found out they were getting sacked at the end of the 2013 season, during a whole team meeting.

Talk about awkward.

Jeff Robson (2009-2011, 2016-2017) 71 Games, 11 Tries

The most unassuming professional sportsman on the planet, Jeff Robson is somewhat of an unsung hero.

Whilst Jarryd Hayne claimed all the honours and headlines during Parramatta’s whirlwind streak to the 2009 Grand Final, halfback Jeff Robson was left out in the cold. Obviously the Hayne Plane was the star, but every Rugby League team is like an orchestra, and the halfback is its conductor.

Robson was a guy lacking in flash, but made up for it in all those effort areas like kick chases, one-on-one tackling and cool haircuts. Oh wait no, Jeff didn’t have hair so that last one doesn’t apply. Shit joke police take me away.

Like Shane Shackleton from earlier, Robson was one of the games good guys. But this doesn’t mean he wasn’t a bang average footballer.

Shane Shackleton (2010-2011) – 24 Games, 1 Try

Is there anything in Rugby League, or life in general for that matter that makes you stick out more than having red hair? To be a Ranga is truly a god send in this universe.

Shane Shackleton was a NRL everyman. He played for three clubs, and was the sort of bloke who could smash you to smithereens in a bruising tackle, yet instead of being dirty on him afterwards, you’d be in a laughing fit as you hit the ground.

Not only was he a known comedian, but Shane had balls. Like big KAHOONAS.

It takes a bold bloke to willingly and publicly call your coach a “FU**ER” on social media after getting dropped, but Shano did so because Mumma Shackleton didn’t raise no B*T*H apparently.

Notwithstanding, he was one of the games good guys, so please enjoy this video of his wildly funny Fui Fui Moi Moi Footy Show impersonation.

Kenny Edwards (2013-2018) – 70 Games, 6 Tries

If Joel Reddy’s middle name is Knock-On, then Kenny Edwards’s must be Stupid Penalty.

For a guy who has more talent in his pinky fingers, then I have in my entire body, Kenny Edwards really knew how to undo all his good work with a brain snap, usually in the form of giving away a dumb penalty.

He just had a fetish for torturing the poor Parramatta fanbase, on a weekly basis, by doing something idiotic on the field. Then again, his form off-field wasn’t much classier.

During his six years at Parramatta, Edwards missed a total of 35 games, yes half of his total amount of appearances, through suspension relating to off-field indiscretions.

Edwards’s reign of terror isn’t just limited to Australian shores. He was involved in an on-field brawl playing for Catalans Dragons in the English Super League last season, which led to the game being called off.

Goodness me.

Did You Know: Kenny Edwards was the first player to be sin-binned for slapping, after a rule amendment in 2017?

Joel Reddy (2005-2011) – 90 Games, 38 Tries

When we talk about a Mediocre Parramatta NRL Players SET OF SIX, we can't forget Joel Reddy – or as his birth certificate reads Joel Knock-On Reddy.

AKA The Captain of the All-Time Mediocre NRL Player XVII.

I cannot describe enough, how mediocre I think Joel Reddy is. He is the Crème de la crème of mediocrity, and deserves immortality for being so. Just think of all the unfunny wordplay you can create with his last name.

Everything about Joel Reddy just screams LOL.

For example, when my Tigers bought him in 2012, he was quoted saying “I’m ready to do the hard work and leave the fancy stuff to Benji”. Yeh mate, like anyone was ever going to call on you to do anything fancy.

It boggles my mind how in 2009 he was voted, by the fans I might add, the most underrated player in the game. I DEMAND a recount.

Round of Applause for Joel Reddy everyone.

Mitchell Moses (2017-) – 83 Games, 12 Tries, 219 Goals, 3 Field Goals

Ooooooh this is sure to stir up some controversy. Yep, I went there.

I really didn’t have much choice, because it’s been part of the criteria to include at least one current player for each club, and Parramatta have just cut all their deadwood players. So Jaeman Salmon got lucky in that sense.

Let’s be honest with ourselves here – Mitch Moses is the embodiment of Rugby League poison.

One of the biggest FIGJAMs in the game today (FIGJAM – F**K I’m Good Just Ask Me), he only knows one way, and that is no choke on the pressure of his own bull